Addictions and Compulsions

I am writing a programme that will help anyone working with addictions or compulsions. It will take the form of six stages of recovery, and although six sessions may not be enough for some people,many people will gain a great deal of benefit from the therapy.

Addictions and compulsions are very different to habits because a habit can be broken by choice, whereas an addiction or compulsion has a psychological and physical aspect to it.

Watch the web site as this programme will be useful for hypnotherapists, anyone working with people who are addicted to substances or drugs, self harming, OCD and any other kind of addiction or compulsion.

As a therapist or counsellor in this field, you will need to verify where and who you are working with before completing this programme.

For clients who are looking for a practitioner, soon you will be able to find a list of practitioners or call, or email me for furthre details.

Motivation

On a theme of motivation, I have a nice story to tell.

A client asked me to help him lose weight. He said he was more than 3 stones overweight and only in his later twenties. he had lost weight in the past and then regained it quickly. He needed to know how to stay motivated. he had his wedding coming up but realised that he would like to continue staying motivated to be slim. I discussed exercise and he half heartedly informed me that he had a bike, but the weather was not good to ride it to work. He did say he had gone to work by bike and felt physically sick after two miles!!

We worked together to first of all eat smaller portions and then stop eating in between meals at work. A short time went by and his motivation was not at full strength. I thought maybe he would not continue to lose weight and then I did not see him for a couple of months or so. When I saw him he had lost more than a stone and was looking good. Again I did not see him for some time, and then it was passing by his place of work. I really did not recognise this younger, slimmer gorgeous looking guy, but it was him. he told me he had not only been cycling for miles, but also running and swimming. And this was the person who felt sick after two miles on his bike!

Now just over a year later, he looked great for his wedding, but is now cycling over a hundred miles at a time, has done some marathons and triathlons. For those of you who are not too sure what they are as I was, it is swimming 2 miles usually in open sea, getting out of the water and straight onto a bike for 16 miles and then running 4 miles. It is tiring just thinking about that.

I saw him the other day and he has entered an Iron Man which is about ten times harder than triathlon. He said he was inspiring others to get fit, even someone who had had a heart attack and was struggling to walk to the end of the road. He told him his story, and the man was inspired and now does three miles walking each day.

This young client of mine is a true inspiration to everyone out there who thinks they cannot get fit. Now, when doing my best to walk 40 minutes each day with my dog Ruby, I stop complaining and think of my client.

I wish he would tell his story to as many other people as possible.

Hypnotension

I have just completed a course to help people reduce their blood pressure. Over 90% of people have what is termed as essential hypertension, which means essentially doctors do not know why the blood pressure is raised constantly. Most times medication can be effective in reducing it, but as with any drug, the side effects can be unpleasant and long term which can include dry cough and sexual dysfunctions.

Doctors do like to advise their patients to make some lifestyle changes which would include diet and exercise, but it is not always easy to instantly make changes unless you are motivated. It would appear that a huge amount of Americans over the age of 50 take medication for hypertension and Statins to reduce cholesterol. Stains is now being researched even more and the conclusions are not so good. Of course GPs will say the effects of Stains outweigh the risks of a stroke if your cholesterol is too high, but lifestyle changes can also be of more benefit.

Reducing stress is a valuable tool in the reduction of high BP, and Hypnotension can help with reducing stress and making necessary changes that have less risk

Confidence

How do you know when you lack confidence? It would be perfectly normal to be less than confident if you are doing something for the first time, but it is not always acceptable to constantly feel you lack confidence. and yet, you probably go through the day showing confidence in many areas of your life. The ability to get up, wash, dress and perhaps go to work takes confidence. It takes confidence to seek help for problems you cannot overcome yourself.

When people report they have less confidence than they would like, it usually means that the things they would like to be even more confident with are not obvious, or they get feelings in their body that make them feel nervous, and then the interpretation is they lack confidence.

Excitement can often be confused with anxiety or lack of confidence. If you were to do some sky diving, I feel sure you would probably experience, fear, anxiety, and for some excitement. That same adrenalin rush would go through your body.

So how do you become more confident? Changing the way you think for a start helps. New thought patterns create new behaviours, and we can learn by practicing how we speak to ourselves. You will probably find if you think you lack confidence, that you often speak negatively to yourself. You can even notice the difference when you speak positively t yourself how the feelings in your body change.

Training

Most weekends I am training, either hypnotherapy, NLP or Coaching. I like the difference between seeing clients one to one for therapy and then training. Training lets me know how much I do now and have learned over the last eleven years. I enjoy watching people progress and make changes in their lives too as they go through the courses.

Do you have compulsion problems?

Any addiction is a compulsion. We feel compelled to do the habit and even though we want to stop, we find it difficult to do so.

Compulsions can be anything from drinking too much, drugs smoking, too much eating, obsessive compulsions, touching things counting, tidying etc etc. Compulsively having the need to pull your hair or eyebrows out, or twisting it, always feeling the need to check things over and over, making yourself sick. The list is exhaustive, but if you are doing anything with a compulsively and you cannot stop it, then the good news is that help is at hand. Hypnotherapy and NLP can help you to reprogramme your mind.

There are many forms of help, but hypnosis and NLP tends to be the fastest and quicker root. Emotional Freedom Technique also helps to free the mind so that you can think more clearly.

When forgiveness is possible, it can heal major pain

That was a quote from Dr David Hamilton's book 'Why Kindness Is Good For You'.

Being kind to others makes us feel good, and so it is a two way approach. You show kindness for others and you feel the benefit of that kindness too. Forgiving people is also a kindness to them and to others. It would appear that many people these days and not prepared to forgive and prefer to keep anger and resentment going on rather than forgive and let go. Forgiving does not mean saying that the person who wronged you in some way gets away with treating you badly, but it can mean that you forgive yourself at the same time because all relationships are two way, and we must learn to take responsibility for any breakdown in relationship.

There are not many people who have not be betrayed at some time in their life. Someone who you trusted and thought they really cared or loved you, then to find out they have betrayed you in some way, or are not prepared to do their best to repair the relationship. I feel sad when family relationships break up, particularly for mothers who find that they have done their very best to raise their children with the resources they have, only to find they have been dumped almost without another thought, and often for the most ridiculous of reasons. Maybe both sides are not willing to communicate and sort things out. Thousands of years ago we lived in tribes and new each other well. Now we become more distanced away from family. I have seen many very old people in homes with no visitors, even though there are family somewhere out there.

Do you need to forgive someone, and perhaps need to forgive yourself so that you can release anger and resentment and bitterness. That kind of thinking leads to illness both psychologically and physically. Here are some tips that David Hamilton suggests we use to help us forgive:

Learn about how forgiveness is good for your mental and emotional health

Ask yourself if it is doing you any good holding on to grudges

Remind yourself that forgiveness is an act of kindness towards yourself

Make a determined decision to forgive

Take a deep breath when you find yourself dwelling on your past and move on

Realise that you have hurt people in the past which then gives you a different perspective so that you can step into the other persons shoes and see it from their point of view

My own view and experience in my career as a therapist is that forgiveness releases us and gives us emotional freedom. Either we can repair relationships with a different understanding, or move on and make other relationships worthwhile.

Value the good relationships you do have. Nurture them and make sure you patch up any misunderstandings quickly.

Remember too, that if you have fallen out with parents and you have children, it may happen to you at some time in the future and then you will suffer as much as parents do when they are estranged by their children. Parents make mistakes all the time, and provided it is not physical or mental abuse, we may be able to repair the bonds, and if we cannot, we can forgive and move on.

Therapy, Coaching?

I often have to wear different hats when seeing clients. Do they need counselling, or hypnosis? Or would coaching be more suitable?

Some people don't really know the difference, and its not a bad thing to be aware of what you may be need that will be more beneficial. I love hypnosis, apart from the fact it makes you feel good, it does help to change unconscious thought patterns. Some people do get great benefit from talking though, and it can be really cathartic to get off your chest all that has been bothering you, especially if you bottle things up.

Coaching though, helps you to become much more resourceful, you are finding out all your potential.

I am training two courses of coaching at the moment, and its fun. One course is in the corporate sector, the other is for individuals to use coaching either at work or within the therapeutic environment. Both course are great fun to train, and I get a great deal out of the courses myself.

In the corporate market, employees feel valued when the company brings a coach in, or trains senior management in coaching skills. One of those skills is how to present feedback during appraisals. Most people do not like having an appraisal, nor do does the appraiser, but by giving it in a way that is most beneficial can help enormously. We call it the sandwich effect. If someone tells us we have done something good, but then follows it with something bad, all we can think of is the bad thing we have done. Funny how we can make ourselves feel bad isn't it?

In the sandwich effect, we begin by telling the employee what has gone well, followed by what could be even better, and then ending the sandwich with something good again.

The 'even better if' or EBI has a very positive effect. Imagine when you were at school and the teacher said, 'You have done that well very well, and it might be even better if you could take more time to correct your spelling next time'. By saying it this way you don't dwell too much on what was not so good, but are determined that next time you will pay more attention to spelling. Sounds too simple? Well it really works with people, and I just wish some of my bosses in the past had be aware of EBIs

Healing

My hypnotherapy group have been very fortunate this weekend to have Mark Barber come to speak to us about well-being and our immune system. Mark is a Naturopathic practitioner, and has a clinic in Blofield Norwich called Willow Farm Clinic.

Now I could listen to Mark forever as he is so knowledgeable and has an amazing way of delivering training. My students were thrilled to hear him speak and were so busy writing notes and listening and watching, they could not get enough of it.

Mark spoke at length about our adrenal glands and how if they are out of balance in any way we can have a variety of symptoms presenting themselves. Oh how I wish all GPs were like Mark, and I know that I would prefer to consult Mark and treat myself more naturally than taking drugs which produce horrible side effects. I must be clear and say that I would take drugs if my life was threatened in some way, but I prefer to seek more natural remedies, although Mark was also keen to point out that not all natural remedies are safe and can also have side effects. I think we were all in agreement that drug companies make billions each year from the likes of us who trust our GPs to give us drugs that will 'cure' us. I do my best not to get angry that the drugs companies forced the government to stock pile Swine flu vaccinations, and no doubt this year or towards the end will frighten us into believing we need to get vaccinated again, and give us the vaccines that are nearly at their sell by date.

Back to something far more positive though, and that is how Mark is able to get across some technical information in such a way that is easily understood. It led the way for the rest of the day to discuss how as therapists we can help our clients to deal with pain, and undiagnosed conditions. When it comes to something like IBS, we agreed with Mark that really it is not a condition but a symptom of an irritated bowel and we must look for the cause of what is making it irritated.

For me as a trainer, I would have preferred to let Mark run the whole weekend and me be a student, but as his time is so precious, we had to let him go.

Thank you Mark from us all xxxx

Depression

I don't really know how other bloggers keep up with their blogs. I do my best to keep up with emails, and texts, and then forget about blogging.

Suddenly though, I think of something that might be interesting to others. I have read other peoples tweets and blogs and am not entirely sure I want to know when someone is tiling, or grouting, or even watching a TV programme. I am interested in other peoples behaviour though.

Even though it is very warm and sunny, which often makes people feel happier, there are people who feel so depressed, the weather makes no difference to them. To date in my career, I have yet to meet someone who said they instantly became depressed overnight, that everything had been fine in their life before the onset of depression.

We all have down days, and we can't really call this depression, just a day when you don't feel so good, you have lost a bit of zest. Depression can last a long time, so if you have been feeling down and miserable for more than 3 to 4 weeks, then you could say you are experiencing depression. You may not be sleeping well, or eating well, or even over eating. Nothing makes you feel motivated, and you have to push yourself to do the most simple of tasks.

Drugs can work well in combination with therapy, because drugs never get to the root cause of what makes you feel so down. You need to understand what is happening and what experiences you have had that could be the cause of it. There are many therapies to experience, and if at first you don' succeed try someone else or another kind of therapy. Finding the right therapist for you can also be daunting, especially if you can't be bothered talking. Just trust your instincts, and listen to what the therapist says before making any appointment. Many offer a free consultation and it is their way of gaining good rapport with you so you will return. This can be really beneficial for you, again especially if you have not been recommended to the therapist.

Hypnosis is not a quick fix as many people would like to believe. I wish it was, but you have to be patient, if you have anxiety or depression. Hypnosis does make you feel calm and relaxed and a build up of hypnosis allows you to change the perceptions you have of the world.

Hypnoband therapy

There has been a flurry of activity regarding a Tv programme that showed the power of the mind in being able to reduce the size of your stomach just as if you had actually had a gastric band. This idea has been around for a long time, but has been promoted by the media. It works if you want it to, but it is important to note that if you have emotional problems, then they have to be dealt with first, and then you are ready to make positive changes in the way you think, then it will work well for you.

Nothing is 100% guaranteed, but for the majority of people it can work. What you must be prepared to do is to change your eating habits and lifestyle. Just like a real gastric band, it does not solve all your problems with food.

I like my clients to become empowered by their own behavioural changes, so they no longer need someone to tell them what to eat and when to eat. You take charge of the discipline of your own life.

I won't tell you what to eat, or how much to eat, not give you any diets to follow or weigh you. That is for a slimming club to do with you, but I like to believe that you will take charge of your own life and have no need to be weighed by someone else. For many years slimming clubs have wielded that discipline, I used to run my own slimming club so I know how afraid people are of the scales when someone else weighs them. How much nice will it be for you to take action and take charge of your own life. Through hypnosis you will learn how to do this, eating less and increasing your metabolic rate ?

Toxic people

Have you ever thought of some people being toxic? you may feel as if you are being poisoned by their attitude, and they leave you with an unpleasant feeling, or maybe being drained by them.

Sadly some people can have a really negative effect on us, and it can take time to re-charge ourselves once we have been in their company. What do you do about it, especially if it is a relative, close friend or even a boss? In the case of relatives or friends, it may be that you can distance yourself from them a little, or just see them for short periods of time. With a boss it may be more difficult unless you quit your job, as you may have to see your boss each day. What are the usual causes of people being toxic towards you?

Being negative about everything you do or achieve

Finding more faults with you than positive attributes

Intuitively knowing they don't share your successes, and they look positively miffed when you are successful

Only really showing support when you are going through rough patches (this may be because it makes them feel better about their own lives)

You need to de-toxify yourself! You can't take medicine or drink lots of water, as it will not make these people go away or diminish their effect on you.

What you can do is this:

Have a more positive belief about yourself

Surround yourself with positive people who you know genuinely care about you and encourage you

Build an imaginary glass screen around yourself when you are in their company. never allow their negativity get through this screen. Keep it all outside of you, so that you never internalise their negativity.

Sometimes, if possible, it is better to cast these people adrift and concentrate on the positive people in your life

Training

As with all training, you pay for what you get. When I decided to train in hypnosis and NLP, I found the best there was. I had to go to London, and it cost me far more money than if I had trained with providers nearer home. I had the philosophy that if I went to see a therapist, I would want to know they had trained well. That was ten years ago, and I still continue to train as any good therapist would want continued development.

It worries me when I see courses that are misleading, and aim to rush people through this extensive and intensive training. It takes time to develop into a therapist, you simply cannot do it fast. Any therapist needs time to be able to simulate all the information, and there is a great deal of information to be learned. I think the great hypnotherapists from the last century would turn in their graves if they knew people were selling training that was quick and fast. It also worries me that anyone would think they could know everything about hypnosis and NLP in a short time. I have been in practice for ten years and still I am learning. It took time for me to train in any Master techniques, I would have been so worried to call myself a Master at anything when I first qualified. It is like calling a newly qualified doctor a consultant.

To be a trainer, you have to go through the necessary courses, and take exams. I see newly qualified students all the time who have little confidence to be able to successfully treat clients and when I discuss NLP with them they have little idea of what it is really about.

You can rest assured that either myself or any of my qualified therapists that I personally recommend to you have been personally trained by me. Always ask questions when considering therapy. If it does not sound right, do not allow yourself to be treated. if considering hypnosis as a career, take even more time to ask questions. Find out as much as you can about the trainers. Any good trainer will be more than happy to have any searching questions answered. As a professional I only want the best for my clients and students.

Can hypnosis help me?

Most days I receive calls from people asking if I can help them in some way.They are usually surprised when I tell them that at least 75% of clients come with some kind of anxiety. The word anxiety covers a whole list of problems such as weight control, smoking, drug or alcohol abuse, in fact any kind of compulsion. It also covers presentation nerves, interview nerves, coping with difficulties in work or at home with relationships, phobias, and depression. I am sure I have not covered everything that anxiety presents, but if you have negative feelings about yourself, or uncomfortable feelings in your body at times, then you have anxiety. Acute anxiety is when you are experiencing panic attacks, and is most unpleasant for the sufferer.

Hypnosis and the techniques we use within hypnosis helps all these kinds of problems, and often very quickly. There is no such thing as a quick fix though as we often have problems that come up from time to time, but if you can find a way of dealing with them without long periods of time in therapy, then you should go for it.

I was speaking on radio Norfolk the other week about well trained therapists, and there was a consultant surgeon on who was advocating hypnosis and stating that it should certainly be used in cognitive behavoural therapies and psychotherapy. It would appear that hypnosis could soon be the buzz word in therapy and about time too. Of course quite naturally I am biased, but I have see what hypnosis does and how it helps people successfully. I was really pleased to hear this surgeon saying such good things about hypnosis, and even though the presenter discussed stage hypnosis as they often do, it still did not detract from the professionalism of hypnosis.

Compassion

How compassionate are you with yourself? Do you regularly criticise yourself? Would you openly criticise a friend they way you do with yourself?

We often talk about wanting greater self esteem, but what about the compassion we can feel for ourselves? Many of us will willing say that we are compassionate with other people, and yet we never think about being kinder to ourselves. We constantly criticise ourselves, compare ourselves to others, and often feel we are not good enough.

What happens if you share these thoughts with friends or relations? Hopefully you find people who are compassionate and will share your sorrows. This often makes us feel a bit better, but we can easily get into the habit of expecting others to continually make us feel better. And then if we keep on moaning for too long, those friends or relatives get fed up with hearing the same old same old.

Imagine for a moment that you are talking to yourself but in a kind way. As if you are having a two way conversation. Be compassionate when talking to yourself, even if you have to pretend to be. We can be kind and considerate to ourselves, and then notice the difference. Learn to stop beating yourself up too much. It never works, it only makes you feel worse than ever. Have a go at doing something different for a change. Set up a no such thing as failure option in your mind. If you get something wrong, stop criticising and start being kinder to yourself. If you keep telling yourself off, you get more of the same behaviours.

You can learn to laugh at yourself more often, stop taking yourself so seriously for a change. Go on, have a go and see how good it feels.

Healing weekend

I have just finished some training with students on a healing weekend. We were learning how to help people who have physical or mental pain. I happened to notice that some of the students were a bit stressed themselves, so what better weekend to have to off load or just help each other. I mentioned that I was feeling a bit burnt out myself. I am so busy helping others that I forget I need to have help too. Fortunately, there are some wonderful friends and students who can help me through such times. I really do not know what I would do without them as they are extremely supportive, and of course I support them too. When you are feeling stressed, or just feeling a bit down for one reason or another, friends can be amazing. Just a little word here and there, or a phone call or an email can make all the difference. Naturally I don't remain down for too long as I have techniques I can use on myself or get someone to use them. Occasionally though you just need some words of encouragement, someone just tells you that you are okay person, and everything seems better.

Coming back from training, I felt warmed by generous thoughts and a past student sent me some healing stones. I went into my garden and did some planting for a few hours, and the smell of new lavender made me feel great. I am also a sucker for songs that have meaning. 'What have you done today to make you feel proud' is a favourite.

'Look for the hero inside yourself' brings all kinds of good thoughts and memories back.

Mothers Day

To all Mothers out there, happy mothers day for Sunday the 3rd of April. When I was small and went to Sunday school, they would allow all the children to present little posies on Mothers Day. I used to be very proud, going up, being handed the flowers and then presenting them to my mother. Daughters don't always have easy relationships with their mothers and mine was no exception. She could be extremely frustrating at times, but I never gave up wanting to see her and be a part of her life.

Towards the end of her life I wanted her to continue living forever. Despite the fact she was 91, and very fragile, I could not bear to think of life without her. It was not just sentimental reasons, I think we all need our mothers. We want them to be proud of us, to give us encouragement, and just to be there for us. My mother was born in 1914, and came from an unemotional family. It was a Victorian attitude that children were seen and not heard. There were not many cuddles or kisses, and looking back through my years I can understand why she was unemotional. She revealed that she did not know how to be emotional when she was 86. I told her that it was not too late, and after that, she became the mother I always wanted her to be.

I see so many clients that have difficult relationships with their children. It is not easy to be a mother. We don't come armed with a manual. Most of us work hard at doing our best, and continue to make mistakes all the time. The best mothers do realise that, and will take responsibility if things go wrong in the relationships we have with our children. Providing we give them good beliefs and values, then whatever they do later in life is not our responsibility. Sometimes we have to let them fly the nest and go on with their life. It is not easy to do that, just to let go, and so to all daughter-in laws, remember that your mother-in law has brought up her son, and you chose him with his beliefs and values that his mother gave him. Do your very best not to be jealous, or to try to compete with her. After all, if you have a son, you too may be a mother-in-law one day.

One day your mother will not be there, so be kind to her, respect her even with all her faults. You too have faults, and hopefully she does her best not to point them out to you too often. Take responsibility if things go wrong with your relationship with her. If you think things are all her problem, then you need some help to see things from a different perspective. Not all mothers are good to their children though, but unless she has done something so horrific to you or your own family, then forgive. To those sons who have partners who do not get on with your mother, do your best to be the peacemaker. Ask your partner about her insecurities, and remind her that if she becomes a mother, she will may not be liked by her children's partners.

When they have died, you always want to say so many things that you did not say when they were alive. Say them now whilst they are alive. Tell them good things that they want to hear. Make them feel special. They made you feel special when you were born.

To those mothers who have no contact with their children, I am sorry. You must be heartbroken at times. Just remember the good times you did have and tell yourself that you did the best you could with the resources you had at that time.

Happy mothers day

If there is one thing you do today ...

... watch this utube clip Baz Luhrmann!

Depression

We can all feel depressed from time to time. Maybe a little down in the dumps, feeling sad, or things just not going well. It would be almost impossible to be very very happy all the time, and I would suspect anyone who said they were. Just reading about the people in Japan made me feel sad, and down in the dumps for a little while. Then I had to tell myself that apart from sending some money, there was little else I could do that would be useful, and so I had to get on with life. I was a little more than relieved when my son returned from Japan safely, and slept better.

Longer term depression is another thing. It rarely strikes for no reason at all, and whilst the medical profession will continue to believe that the feel good chemicals in our brain are reduced, I will continue to ask what caused them to reduce. A little depression means that at times you feel down but can easily be encouraged or encourage yourself to cheer up. The latter is much better than the former though, because if people have to keep cheering you up, you could become dependent on that. Serious depression causes you to feel that you don't want to get up in the morning, or can't be bothered to wash and get dressed. Nothing cheers you up, maybe not even a lottery win! It may solve some financial problems but it would not stop negative thoughts continuing. People often have suicidal thoughts, life is not worth living, and perhaps everyone would be better off without them. A large does of self pity goes on at these moments. It is hoped that anyone suffering so badly like this would seek help from their GP and have therapy at the same time.

Depression through grief is normal. If there is a loss, whether it it because the person has died, or has disappeared from their life, it is normal to grieve, and medication does not help if you are wishing the person was still around. We can give ourselves the time to have some self pity, and then be strong and get on with life. Someone very special to me has a mantra.' Every second you dwell on the past, you steal from the future'.

The past has gone and we cannot change it, the future is ahead and we can make plans to make it better. Now is the time to enjoy what you have. Count your blessings from time to time. Give some thought to others who have lost their way for some reason, and those that are suffering, mentally or physically.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a highly emotive word. For some people they may think if they forgive someone, it could appear that they are excusing their behaviour.

If you think about anyone that has done you any harm in the past either physically or mentally, do you experience uncomfortable feelings inside? This is because you have not come to terms with what has happened, and can either be feeling angry, or hurt about that situation. Some people even feel these kind of feelings many years after the event. It is more harmful to us to keep any bitter feelings inside. Forgiving though, may seem far too much for you to contemplate. You could ask yourself some questions.

Is it helpful to keep any hurt or bitterness about that person? If you did forgive them, would that mean you were allowing them to get away with what they have done to you?

Forgiveness does mean condoning bad behaviour. It can mean letting go of any hurt or bitterness for good and relieving yourself of the bad feelings you may have been carrying round with you. As mentioned previously, carrying around bad feelings causes anxiety, and then anxiety can manifest itself in many ways.

Some people prefer to have ambivalent feelings about someone, as it could mean you no longer care to think about them but when you do it means nothing to you. The fact that you have survived whatever harm that person or people have done to you, you survived it.

There is an amazing book called 'The lost Art of Forgiving', and this book concentrates on people who have been the victims of the most awful crimes done to them, but found it within themselves to forgive and move on.

If we forgive, it does not mean we have to let that person know we have forgiven them, nor does it mean we have to continue to be abused by them in any way. Abuse is not just physical harm but mental harm. The old saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' is not true in my book. Harmful words last, and we can remember them word for word. They cannot be taken back, they become part of our memory, but we can let the feeling go for good. I have met many people who cannot forgive parents for one reason or another, and mistakingly think that when a parent dies those old hurts will end. It is not true, the hurt continues on for the rest of your life unless you are willing to do something to end the hurt. You would not only be forgiving someone else, but yourself too as you put yourself through stress each and every time to you think of that person.

We often hear of family feuds being resolved when someone is dying. Why wait till then? Too late when the person has gone.

Forgive yourself and others and experience the emotional freedom that you deserve.

Anxiety

I cannot think of anyone who has never ever had some anxiety in their life. It can be a minor anxiety or a major anxiety that lasts far too long. In therapy terms we can call it the stress response, and stress is perfectly normal. We have inherited the same stress response as our ancestors who had to fight off dangerous animals to survive and eat. To hunt down large animals would take courage, but also a body response. If we need to be on full alert, that means our heart has to work harder to enable us to run if we have to. The natural chemical in our brain called adrenalin kicks in and enables this to happen. Our circulation changes and our eyesight becomes more profound. Once we have killed the Woolly Mammoth our body can return to normal. All in a day's work for primitive man.

In this century the Woolly Mammoth is the office, a supermarket, or factory. We are faced with stresses every day. Driving on the roads can seem a like a hurdle some days, or queuing in a supermarket has challenges for some of us. Just recall the last time you were in a supermarket in a hurry, and the person in front of you is slow, and only reaches for their purse when they have packed away their goods. Or something has to be returned from their goods, and you have to wait until an assistant goes to change it. Ever felt some stress at that point? For most of us we relax when it is our turn and we can leave the supermarket.

What about meetings at work or with the boss? Our stress levels can rise and perhaps stay high throughout the day, particularly if the meeting does not go well. This means our body is on alert for too long, and then we wonder why we feel a lack of energy at the end of the day, or even when we wake up in the morning! It is no wonder you feel tired if you have been fighting Woolly Mammoths for days on end.

The worst case of anxiety is a panic attack. This can happen when you are minding your own business one day and suddenly you feel hot, your heart is pounding, you may feel sick or think you are going to faint. The stress response has been triggered for some reason or another. Usually it is because you have been going through a stressful period for some time, and this panic attack is your body's way of telling you enough is enough. You usually want to respond to the anxiety attack because they are so stressful for you. They leave you feeling drained and afraid. And then of course you begin to worry about when the next one might arrive so you begin the vicious circle of being anxious about being anxious.

Learning how to relax and all the different techniques which can be used can be really helpful, and although it may take some time to get rid of those panic attacks completely, you will start to feel better. Medication can also help, but it does not deal with what is really making you stressful. Even stressful things that happened many years ago and have not been dealt with can create panic attacks much later. It often surprises people how things that have been suppressed can have a way of re-surfacing again.

Learning to relax is not easy. It takes time and effort, but well worthwhile for your health and well-being.

Anniversaries

I have been married for 24 years to Robert today, and the time certainly goes by quickly. I also happened to read Terry Waites book again, 'Taken on Trust' after a gap of many years reading it for the first time. I read it with new eyes now as I have grown older and I like to think wiser, but more aware of the human mind. He was captured and kept a hostage for five whole years, and only in the last year, and last few months did he have contact with other hostages.

He kept saying to himself, no time for regrets, no sentimentality, no self-pity. These words kept him going in the darkest of hours. He was very ill at times, had an ear infection and had to wait for days to get medication. Imagine that, an ear ache and no help. It was the only thing I could identify with, not have been kept a hostage, but know what an ear ache feels like!

Imagine being away from your family and loved ones for five years. No letters, no calls, nothing to inform you if they were okay.

Although most of us are lucky enough not to have been captured or taken hostage, we sometimes are a hostage of our own mind. If you feel anxious and are not able to go out or do the things you would really like to do, your choices are taken away from you, and you are a hostage of your mind. It plays tricks on you and all the things you would like to do are no longer an option. The worst case hostage of your mind is when you become agoraphobic, and you begin to close down and stay inside. You might not be chained to a radiator as Terry Waite was, but your mind is chained up.

Compulsions

I could write forever on this topic as the compulsions we have in life are never ending. The list would be too long to write, but suffice to say, if we do anything that is compelling, then we have some form of anxiety. If we have to check we have our wallet of purse or that we have turned the gas off or locked the door, this would just be a simple anxiety, and then when we have checked and are satisfied, any minor anxiety we have is dispelled. If we have to check time and time again then we have a stronger anxiety that is manifesting itself in the need to check and double check. When it gets completely out of hand we call it Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. Another label we can hang on ourselves, but basically it is stress anxiety. Most humans want a label. We are obsessed with wanting to know that reason or cause that makes us do what we do.

If you have a compulsion, then you would benefit from some therapy to help you to become a more relaxed person. Hypnosis helps you to learn how to relax and be more chilled out. Hypnosis stops you worrying about minor things in life, and it can be surprising how much calmer you become and stop worrying about little things in life.

Parents and children and conflict

Since Christmas I have seen quite a few clients who are having problems with parents or parents with children. They appear to have such difficulties that are insurmountable, and yet the falling out is usually over something not that serious.

It is all about the expectations that we have about what parents should or should not do. I would agree that if any parent has been seriously abusing their child either mentally or physically, then perhaps contact should be stopped, and the same the other way round. Most times it is over an expectation that was not fulfilled. Many younger people, (and I am including people up to the age of fifty who have problems with their parents) never look at the bigger picture and evaluate what kind of upbringing they had. They seem to find a fault and then base their judgement on that fault they perceive. Most parents do their best when bringing up their kids, by giving them love and support and nurturing them. Some parents can be over critical about what their kids do with their lives, interfering when not required. Giving unsolicited advice, and generally sticking their oar in when not asked. It can be frustrating, and not an easy one to solve, other than asking them not to interfere, and having some ground rules. Most parents forget to stop becoming the protectors, and worry unnecessarily about their kids instead of getting on with their own lives.

Some kids have too much expectations from their parents, and if the parents step out of line, they come down on them like a ton of bricks. Kids can be over critical of their parents telling them what they are doing wrong. Then comes the problem when the kids find a partner that the parents do not get on with, especially when it is a son and he takes a partner. Suddenly, the son who thought a lot of his mother turns against her and takes the side of his partner, which of course would seem a normal thing to do. When confronted with these kinds of dilemma, I feel like getting the whole family together and see where the problems lay. Most of the time the problem is that each person thinks they are right. What is often missing is the respect. People are not prefect, parents do not have a manual to use when they bring children into the world. they just do their best with the resources they have at the time. Kids forget that and lose the respect for their parents. Unless a parent has done the most hideous thing, then forgiveness has to be the right way forward. Sadly, people would rather think they are right and that means they will not forgive. However, they then have to deal with losing the relationship, or bringing children into the world and then facing the same problems, by which time it might be too late to make any amends with their own parents.

How much better could it be to let go of past bitterness and see the person or people as they really are. If you are a parent, it could be that you recall the good times you had with your child, and do your best to become more approving of your children. If you are a child with a problem parent, why not become more mature, no matter what age you are, and respect your parents. If you have grown up being cared for and cherished, have some good beliefs and values and know right from wrong, then your parents deserve a pat on the back for the good work they have done. If you know how to treat other human beings with courtesy and kindness, your parents have done a good job. See the bigger picture, come down off your high moral ground and see if there is a way forward. You don't have to take all the responsibility for what has gone wrong, and neither do they. Act your age, be grown up and rise to the challenge of making things right with your family before it is too late. When your parents have gone, it is too late to make amends, and you will be the one who will suffer, whether you admit to it or not you will. be brave, bite the bullet and see if something good can come about through forgiveness. If the people or person will not accept it, then you have done your best and it is their problem.

Grey days

Some people find the winter really difficult because of the grey skies. lack of sun does affect some people and they find themselves feeling quite down in the dumps.

There is evidence that these people lose those feel good chemicals in their brain, but it is also a state of mind. I wonder if those people won the lottery they would suddenly forget about grey skies! More than likely they would be booking a sunny holiday somewhere. I know I would.

We recently had a sunny day and it was almost warm enough to sit outside with a cup of tea. You do see people sitting outside in the snow, but the reason they do that is because they want to smoke. I was a smoker many years ago, but still cannot fathom out why someone would want to freeze just to have that fag. The cigarette must be very important to them.

Back to sunny days though, and a much better subject to discuss than smoking. I managed to get an hour in the garden on the sunny day this Tuesday last, and it made me think that spring really is just around the corner. I took a moment to look up at the sky and then at the trees all around, and felt very contented. Having given up reading newspapers and watching the news on TV, I have felt much better. I can see the headlines of news if I choose and keep up to date with what is going on in the world, but as much of the news can be depressing, it feels right to stop buying newspapers.

Depressed people tend to view the world as bad and nothing appears to be going well, but we know that good news does not sell papers. Depressed people also stop looking up, that is why we use that expression 'I am feeling down'.

I expect many of us feel down in the sumps at times, but if it is lasting too long, you need to seek some help. Too many people in my opinion reach for tablets too soon or expect doctors to cure them with drugs. Self help is not easy to administer. Easier to take drugs. Fortunately not everyone thinks the same way. Many people know that they have to change the way they are thinking.

Not only am I looking up at the sky in the day, I am now looking at night with an astronomical telescope, and was delighted to see a new moon with all the craters bold as you like. It is quite magical looking to the sky at night. Patrick Moore has become my new hero. I recall watching The Sky at Night and being so bored. This was many years ago and I was a pleb! Now I am fascinated with astronomy, and you can keep sexy Dr Brian Cox, I like the king of the skies, Mr Moore

Happiness set on default!

Here we are with another year, and the reason why I have not kept up with the blog is because I have used any spare time to concentrate on my book which at last has been published through Blurb. This is a way of getting your book published and not having to buy tons of them to begin with. You can order one and it is printed at request. Hopefully it can go on Amazon soon! I am already writing a new book about compulsions and addictions.

A very good friend Sarah made a comment last night about us all being set on default to be happy when we are born. It really made me think a lot about that. Of course how do we learn to be unhappy? We can be uncomfortable when we are very small, but that is usually because we are hungry or wet, or in pain, but we would not be unhappy in the terms that we come to understand later in life. We have to go through experiences and situations to know what unhappiness means. Watching tribes in countries that have little understanding of the Western world, we can easily see that without all the trappings of our material world, they are happy. It would be other people in their tribe who they don't get along with that make them unhappy. Sadly, there are not that many tribes left in the world that have not been exploited in some way, and once they are, they become unhappy about many other things in their lives.

Most of the time it is people who make us feel unhappy, or that is how we perceive it, but in actual fact, it is the way we respond to others that make us unhappy. Our response in how they treat us. We like to be in control, and when others do or don't do what we expect of them, we then feel out of control. When clients tell me they are 'control freaks', and have to have things just so, I know that they are not really in control. And the way I know it is because they are usually anxious people, and if you are anxious, then you are not in control. Dealing with all of life's situations is being in control. People will never respond in the way we want them to, and if we let go of wanting them to, we are gaining control.

I know now that not everyone will agree with what I say or how I react. It is not my problem or their problem. It is just that they don't understand me or me them. We can make some people happy, but not everyone. Ask any mother that question. They are usually trying to spin all the plates at the same time and constantly failing.

A client once asked me what she should do to please her family, as she often felt she could do no right for doing wrong at times. Hoping for understanding from members of her family was not an option as they had fixed views about what they thought was right and wrong. And it seemed that they thought she was wrong a lot of the time. It was a generation thing, and often unsolvable. They say you can be closer to friends than you can with families. Perhaps it is because we don't abuse our friends or do our best not to, and maybe because we think we can get away with it with our family. If families took responsibility and each of them realised they don't always get things right, we could have more harmony and happiness.

I recently reached a good age of sixty. I don't feel any older than thirty five, but emotionally I have grown and things don't bother me the way they used to. Mellowing perhaps, or just realising that I can make myself happy. Some really good friends said some really nice things about me that I will treasure forever. It is nice if we can make a difference to others and make them happy. Finding all the good stuff in others without looking for bad stuff. Why not set your default on happiness and be nice to as many people as you can. It makes the world a different place you know.