Anniversaries

I have been married for 24 years to Robert today, and the time certainly goes by quickly. I also happened to read Terry Waites book again, 'Taken on Trust' after a gap of many years reading it for the first time. I read it with new eyes now as I have grown older and I like to think wiser, but more aware of the human mind. He was captured and kept a hostage for five whole years, and only in the last year, and last few months did he have contact with other hostages.

He kept saying to himself, no time for regrets, no sentimentality, no self-pity. These words kept him going in the darkest of hours. He was very ill at times, had an ear infection and had to wait for days to get medication. Imagine that, an ear ache and no help. It was the only thing I could identify with, not have been kept a hostage, but know what an ear ache feels like!

Imagine being away from your family and loved ones for five years. No letters, no calls, nothing to inform you if they were okay.

Although most of us are lucky enough not to have been captured or taken hostage, we sometimes are a hostage of our own mind. If you feel anxious and are not able to go out or do the things you would really like to do, your choices are taken away from you, and you are a hostage of your mind. It plays tricks on you and all the things you would like to do are no longer an option. The worst case hostage of your mind is when you become agoraphobic, and you begin to close down and stay inside. You might not be chained to a radiator as Terry Waite was, but your mind is chained up.

Compulsions

I could write forever on this topic as the compulsions we have in life are never ending. The list would be too long to write, but suffice to say, if we do anything that is compelling, then we have some form of anxiety. If we have to check we have our wallet of purse or that we have turned the gas off or locked the door, this would just be a simple anxiety, and then when we have checked and are satisfied, any minor anxiety we have is dispelled. If we have to check time and time again then we have a stronger anxiety that is manifesting itself in the need to check and double check. When it gets completely out of hand we call it Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. Another label we can hang on ourselves, but basically it is stress anxiety. Most humans want a label. We are obsessed with wanting to know that reason or cause that makes us do what we do.

If you have a compulsion, then you would benefit from some therapy to help you to become a more relaxed person. Hypnosis helps you to learn how to relax and be more chilled out. Hypnosis stops you worrying about minor things in life, and it can be surprising how much calmer you become and stop worrying about little things in life.

Parents and children and conflict

Since Christmas I have seen quite a few clients who are having problems with parents or parents with children. They appear to have such difficulties that are insurmountable, and yet the falling out is usually over something not that serious.

It is all about the expectations that we have about what parents should or should not do. I would agree that if any parent has been seriously abusing their child either mentally or physically, then perhaps contact should be stopped, and the same the other way round. Most times it is over an expectation that was not fulfilled. Many younger people, (and I am including people up to the age of fifty who have problems with their parents) never look at the bigger picture and evaluate what kind of upbringing they had. They seem to find a fault and then base their judgement on that fault they perceive. Most parents do their best when bringing up their kids, by giving them love and support and nurturing them. Some parents can be over critical about what their kids do with their lives, interfering when not required. Giving unsolicited advice, and generally sticking their oar in when not asked. It can be frustrating, and not an easy one to solve, other than asking them not to interfere, and having some ground rules. Most parents forget to stop becoming the protectors, and worry unnecessarily about their kids instead of getting on with their own lives.

Some kids have too much expectations from their parents, and if the parents step out of line, they come down on them like a ton of bricks. Kids can be over critical of their parents telling them what they are doing wrong. Then comes the problem when the kids find a partner that the parents do not get on with, especially when it is a son and he takes a partner. Suddenly, the son who thought a lot of his mother turns against her and takes the side of his partner, which of course would seem a normal thing to do. When confronted with these kinds of dilemma, I feel like getting the whole family together and see where the problems lay. Most of the time the problem is that each person thinks they are right. What is often missing is the respect. People are not prefect, parents do not have a manual to use when they bring children into the world. they just do their best with the resources they have at the time. Kids forget that and lose the respect for their parents. Unless a parent has done the most hideous thing, then forgiveness has to be the right way forward. Sadly, people would rather think they are right and that means they will not forgive. However, they then have to deal with losing the relationship, or bringing children into the world and then facing the same problems, by which time it might be too late to make any amends with their own parents.

How much better could it be to let go of past bitterness and see the person or people as they really are. If you are a parent, it could be that you recall the good times you had with your child, and do your best to become more approving of your children. If you are a child with a problem parent, why not become more mature, no matter what age you are, and respect your parents. If you have grown up being cared for and cherished, have some good beliefs and values and know right from wrong, then your parents deserve a pat on the back for the good work they have done. If you know how to treat other human beings with courtesy and kindness, your parents have done a good job. See the bigger picture, come down off your high moral ground and see if there is a way forward. You don't have to take all the responsibility for what has gone wrong, and neither do they. Act your age, be grown up and rise to the challenge of making things right with your family before it is too late. When your parents have gone, it is too late to make amends, and you will be the one who will suffer, whether you admit to it or not you will. be brave, bite the bullet and see if something good can come about through forgiveness. If the people or person will not accept it, then you have done your best and it is their problem.

Grey days

Some people find the winter really difficult because of the grey skies. lack of sun does affect some people and they find themselves feeling quite down in the dumps.

There is evidence that these people lose those feel good chemicals in their brain, but it is also a state of mind. I wonder if those people won the lottery they would suddenly forget about grey skies! More than likely they would be booking a sunny holiday somewhere. I know I would.

We recently had a sunny day and it was almost warm enough to sit outside with a cup of tea. You do see people sitting outside in the snow, but the reason they do that is because they want to smoke. I was a smoker many years ago, but still cannot fathom out why someone would want to freeze just to have that fag. The cigarette must be very important to them.

Back to sunny days though, and a much better subject to discuss than smoking. I managed to get an hour in the garden on the sunny day this Tuesday last, and it made me think that spring really is just around the corner. I took a moment to look up at the sky and then at the trees all around, and felt very contented. Having given up reading newspapers and watching the news on TV, I have felt much better. I can see the headlines of news if I choose and keep up to date with what is going on in the world, but as much of the news can be depressing, it feels right to stop buying newspapers.

Depressed people tend to view the world as bad and nothing appears to be going well, but we know that good news does not sell papers. Depressed people also stop looking up, that is why we use that expression 'I am feeling down'.

I expect many of us feel down in the sumps at times, but if it is lasting too long, you need to seek some help. Too many people in my opinion reach for tablets too soon or expect doctors to cure them with drugs. Self help is not easy to administer. Easier to take drugs. Fortunately not everyone thinks the same way. Many people know that they have to change the way they are thinking.

Not only am I looking up at the sky in the day, I am now looking at night with an astronomical telescope, and was delighted to see a new moon with all the craters bold as you like. It is quite magical looking to the sky at night. Patrick Moore has become my new hero. I recall watching The Sky at Night and being so bored. This was many years ago and I was a pleb! Now I am fascinated with astronomy, and you can keep sexy Dr Brian Cox, I like the king of the skies, Mr Moore

Happiness set on default!

Here we are with another year, and the reason why I have not kept up with the blog is because I have used any spare time to concentrate on my book which at last has been published through Blurb. This is a way of getting your book published and not having to buy tons of them to begin with. You can order one and it is printed at request. Hopefully it can go on Amazon soon! I am already writing a new book about compulsions and addictions.

A very good friend Sarah made a comment last night about us all being set on default to be happy when we are born. It really made me think a lot about that. Of course how do we learn to be unhappy? We can be uncomfortable when we are very small, but that is usually because we are hungry or wet, or in pain, but we would not be unhappy in the terms that we come to understand later in life. We have to go through experiences and situations to know what unhappiness means. Watching tribes in countries that have little understanding of the Western world, we can easily see that without all the trappings of our material world, they are happy. It would be other people in their tribe who they don't get along with that make them unhappy. Sadly, there are not that many tribes left in the world that have not been exploited in some way, and once they are, they become unhappy about many other things in their lives.

Most of the time it is people who make us feel unhappy, or that is how we perceive it, but in actual fact, it is the way we respond to others that make us unhappy. Our response in how they treat us. We like to be in control, and when others do or don't do what we expect of them, we then feel out of control. When clients tell me they are 'control freaks', and have to have things just so, I know that they are not really in control. And the way I know it is because they are usually anxious people, and if you are anxious, then you are not in control. Dealing with all of life's situations is being in control. People will never respond in the way we want them to, and if we let go of wanting them to, we are gaining control.

I know now that not everyone will agree with what I say or how I react. It is not my problem or their problem. It is just that they don't understand me or me them. We can make some people happy, but not everyone. Ask any mother that question. They are usually trying to spin all the plates at the same time and constantly failing.

A client once asked me what she should do to please her family, as she often felt she could do no right for doing wrong at times. Hoping for understanding from members of her family was not an option as they had fixed views about what they thought was right and wrong. And it seemed that they thought she was wrong a lot of the time. It was a generation thing, and often unsolvable. They say you can be closer to friends than you can with families. Perhaps it is because we don't abuse our friends or do our best not to, and maybe because we think we can get away with it with our family. If families took responsibility and each of them realised they don't always get things right, we could have more harmony and happiness.

I recently reached a good age of sixty. I don't feel any older than thirty five, but emotionally I have grown and things don't bother me the way they used to. Mellowing perhaps, or just realising that I can make myself happy. Some really good friends said some really nice things about me that I will treasure forever. It is nice if we can make a difference to others and make them happy. Finding all the good stuff in others without looking for bad stuff. Why not set your default on happiness and be nice to as many people as you can. It makes the world a different place you know.