New Year new promises

Many of us make promises to ourselves at New Year. It might be about our health or weight, or wanting to give up bad habits. Usually we are at our most motivated to want to do something about it, but when push comes to shove, we lack the real stamina and motivation that we need to keep going with our resolutions. I wonder what it means to you to resolve something. Resolve to stop smoking, drinking too much, eating too much? Resolve to make our life better in some way?

I start off at this time of year thinking of all the things I would like to do that creates well-being and happiness. It might be something as simple like going on the Broads on my little boat, or making even more time to be with people I really love being with.

If I was given a wish list and was told I could only have one thing, I am sure it would have to be being with friends and family I love and who love me. That means wanting to be in their company, laughing with them and just feeling relaxed inside. I think you can always tell if that is the case when you leave them and notice if you feel relaxed and calm inside. If you can't wait to get away from them to discuss them, then they are not really friends. Families often have terrible times during Christmas, and I hear people saying they wonder why they bother with them. There are two sides to this debate. One part is that they are family and the old saying blood is thicker than water. The other side is would we want to spend times with those people if they were so called friends? I really do like the saying you can pick your friends but not your family. Families don't always get on and have the same beliefs and values, and so I wonder why we try our best to get on with people whose beliefs and values are not at all like ours. I think it takes some courage to let go of some people and find people who truly respect us for who we are and we respect them too. I use this saying often to clients. ' We were not put into this world to live up to other peoples expectations and neither were they. We do expect a lot from families, probably more than friends, and when they don't live up to our expectations we feel let down. I learned many years ago to let go of wanting to control situations and wanting people to live up to my expectations. Sometimes I find myself falling into that trap of doing just that, and then a little voice inside my head tells me to STOP, and just let it go. I do though, often feel sad when clients tell me that they have given up on their parents. Unless a parent is truly physically or mentally cruel to you, and then you would have the right to choose not to be with them if they continued that behaviour, then not expecting them to be perfect or do what you want them to do or be is an easier way to deal with family. I do recall my mother telling me that I was to wait until I was a mother before criticising her, and it took me a long time to realise how right she was. No parent is given a manual when they have children. They just do the best they can with the resources they have at that time. And, no matter how much we say we will be different with our children, we can still be blamed for many things. Your parents won't always be around, and regret is hard to live with.